I
follow several fitness Instagram accounts to get food and workout ideas and to
sometimes get inspired. This morning when I was checking Instagram a post came
up in my timeline about National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I had never
even heard of this before this morning but I immediately became inspired by
that post to write a blog, bear with me it might be lengthy, about my own
personal journey with weight, weight loss, self-love, and self-acceptance.
I
am blessed enough that I never have actually experienced having an eating
disorder or going to a treatment facility. When I say blessed I'm not saying
that anyone that does suffer from an eating disorder is below me...I am just
simply saying that for me personally it never got to that point. Even though I
may not have had an eating disorder my mentality was borderline close. My entire
life starting from elementary school all the way through college I have
struggled with my weight. Growing up I would get teased by classmates for being
“chubby”, “fat”, or “overweight”. I was always self-conscious and insecure
about the way I looked based off of what everyone else told me I looked like.
I eventually started believing what everyone was saying. I did not love myself
one bit and had the lowest self-esteem. I hated what I saw every time I looked in the mirror. Still to this
day it is hard for me to look in the mirror at myself if someone else in the
room with me…even the public bathroom.
Since
I was a little girl my weight would go up and it would go down. I am not a very
tall person. I have a small frame, I am only 4’11 ½, so any weight that I would
put on was drastic and anytime I lost weight it was noticeable. I was at my
heaviest weight by the time I graduated from college. I was so unhappy with the
skin I was in that I was miserable no matter how hard I would try to mask it. I
hated shopping for clothes because I felt that nothing looked good on me. I was
not that educated on losing weight the healthy way. I would go to the gym or go
run outside in almost 90 degree weather until I literally would almost
collapse. If I ate too much I would immediately do a lot of squats or sit-ups. Every
time my stomach would growl I would think of it as a bad thing because I
thought the last thing I needed to be was hungry if I was trying to lose
weight. I was so desperate that I even started taking weight loss pills for a
couple of months, prescribed by a doctor, because I felt like there was nothing
else I could do. Sure I lost a little weight but my mentality towards weight
loss and myself was nowhere near healthy. I had no idea that I was screwing up
my metabolism too. My doctor had told me that I was only supposed to eat 1200
calories a day so that’s what I did because I thought if the doctor is saying
this then I should follow what I was being told.
Today
I no longer go to that doctor or take those pills that she prescribed me
because I was doing more harm to my body than good. One of my favorite Instagram
accounts is @Malzisfit. She is 23 and has struggled with weight all her life
too. She has lost over 100 lbs through changing her lifestyle, eating
healthy, and lifting weights. She actually has been helping me with my own
journey. She has been guiding me and coaching me with IIFYM since January and
has slowly helped me build my metabolism back up and repair the damage I did. I
would be lying if I said I still don’t have my days where I look in the mirror
and hate what I see or when I feel guilty for eating an extra cookie. This is a
marathon not sprint. I will always have to work harder than most to lose weight
and to keep it off because I was not blessed with a body where I can eat junk
all the time and not gain weight. I have learned that is okay though, I cannot
be focused on what everyone else is doing because everyone has their own
journey and their own struggles. What works for one person wont work for
another so if you are the person that can eat 1200 calories or if you needed a
Gastric Bypass to help you lose weight well then do you boo boo “you go Glen
Coco” (sorry Mean Girl movie quote hahah).
Even though I weigh more now than I did in
high school I am stronger and smaller than I was because I am losing weight the
correct way by making healthy choices while still allowing myself a treat every
now and then…because hey you gotta treat yourself sometimes. I get so frustrated
when someone says that I am on a “health kick”…you don’t know my journey or my
story. I have always enjoyed working out but I would never lose weight because
I would make wrong food choices. I also get frustrated when someone says I am
on a diet or that I probably just eat rabbit food. I LOVE food…hello that’s what
got me in trouble the first time lol. I still eat pizza, burgers, fries etc.. I
just don’t eat it in excess. 80% of the food I eat is super healthy and then the
other 20% percent is whatever the hell I want to eat.
This time around I am properly educated on
weight loss. I actually enjoy shopping for clothes now and I have learned to
love myself even on the days when I feel gross and disgusting. I still am not where
I want to be just yet but I am working towards my goal and I can be proud of
myself because I know I have come a long way mentally and physically. Love yourself <3
