2018 was one hell of a ride, one that I did not predict! I know we cannot predict our future, however, at the beginning of this year, I was sure of one thing....I would end this year as a single woman. A true testament to always listen to your gut instincts, they are usually spot on!
Everything that has occurred in my life the past few years has stretched me and forced me to grow in ways I could not even fathom. This year I had my heart shattered into a million pieces after experiencing the deepest level of betrayal and heartbreak from an abusive relationship. If you had asked me 7 months ago if I was grateful it all happened, my answer would have been a hard and quick NO. After a perspective change, now I can confidently say that I am so grateful it happened! That horrible life-changing experience would end up being the catalyst to my journey of self-discovery and new-found strength.
"I look back now, I look at how you tried to break me.
To take my life, my peace of mind and drive me crazy.
My self-esteem, my dreams, my destiny,
God allowed it because He knew He had big plans for me."
Kirk Franklin - Declaration (This Is It) Lyrics
GENESIS 50:20 (NLT) "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good."
That scripture has given me so much comfort throughout this year! God gives us freedom of choice. I take full responsibility for choosing to enter and stay in that abusive relationship, despite all the warning signs from God early on and throughout. "When God gives you instructions, it's better to obey immediately than to allow yourself time to rationalize against them!" - Ashley "Empowers" Brown.
This year I realized how important it is to obey God's instructions! Although God gives us the freedom to choose, He will never allow us to go through something if He does not think we are able to handle it; God has to sign off on what we go through FIRST! If He approved it, just know there is a great purpose for it!
Looking back, I now see how broken I was. When I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the woman staring back at me. During the first half of this year, I suffered greatly but in silence. I would cry out for help by dropping subliminal hints to my family, friends, and coworkers but no one was aware of what I was experiencing behind closed doors. I spent even more time talking to God, pleading with Him, and crying out to Him. So it was no surprise when He started answering me in ways that blew my mind, even still to this day! I thank God daily for the never-ending love and mercy He has shown me!
In May, I experienced the power of God and prayer like never before. I had finally reached my breaking point but did not have the strength to end the relationship on my own. God intervened; I was literally rescued and released from the grasps of the Devil, in the form of an abusive relationship with a Narcissist/Sociopath. God gave me a fresh start and a second chance at life. Once He released me, that is when my real journey began! First, the soul-tie to my ex had to be severed. Second, I had to take an uncomfortable look at myself and realize that if I wanted to stop repeating my past, some serious changes would need to occur. The cause of my poor decisions in men stemmed from the deep-seated childhood wounds (ages 7 - 22) of being told by my peers and strangers that I was ugly, fat, and not worthy. I made the humbling decision to start seeing a therapist to not only heal from the traumatic abuse but to also work on re-building my self-esteem.
During the second half of this year, I was still broken and some days felt all alone. As much as my family and friends tried to empathize with me, no one could truly understand what I had gone through and the grief I was still experiencing, even afterward. Despite all of that, there was a constant reminder that God is always present with us, even in our darkest moments. Sometimes it was direct, other times He would speak to me through other people, sermons, and even memes on Instagram lol. During the Summer, God showed me that if I trust in Him that He would provide for me in ways I didn't even realize I needed. Even though I was not exempt from going through the five stages of grief, God filled my Summer up with so many random/fun adventures and memories that aided in slowly restoring me and kept my mind preoccupied 90% of the time!
From July - December I faced constant temptation, from the Devil, to return to my ex. He tried every method in the book to get me to come back to him. From persistent phone calls, facetime calls, guilt-tripping me, sending messages on Instagram, and invitations to come to his new apartment. My ex wanted me to come over so we could "spend time together and have sex" but just as friends. Glory to God that I never took him up on that offer! Once I stopped responding to him, he had his friends contact me using numbers I did not recognize. They tried their best to convince me that I needed to take him back because we were "so perfect for one another". The Devil will use ANYONE, he just needs a host.
Through it all, God never once left my side! He was near me every step of the way and revealed a new-found strength within myself. He surrounded me with Godly counsel to give love, words of wisdom, and to breathe life back into me. I shed a lot of tears this year but I also experienced so much laughter and love. I am so grateful for EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of this year, the good moments and the uncomfortable moments! There cannot be growth without being uncomfortable; growth and comfort never coexist.
As we get closer to a brand new year, my mind races with anticipation! There are so many things that I would like to accomplish in 2019. In order to move forward and receive every blessing God has in store for me, I must let go of the old. Everything that occurred in 2018 must be left behind. As cliche as it may sound, I am so excited for all that 2019 has to bring. God has literally given me the gift of having a second chance at life, a life full of new adventures, endless possibilities, and so much more! I would be a fool not to take advantage of that beautiful gift.
This year I realized how important it is to obey God's instructions! Although God gives us the freedom to choose, He will never allow us to go through something if He does not think we are able to handle it; God has to sign off on what we go through FIRST! If He approved it, just know there is a great purpose for it!
Looking back, I now see how broken I was. When I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the woman staring back at me. During the first half of this year, I suffered greatly but in silence. I would cry out for help by dropping subliminal hints to my family, friends, and coworkers but no one was aware of what I was experiencing behind closed doors. I spent even more time talking to God, pleading with Him, and crying out to Him. So it was no surprise when He started answering me in ways that blew my mind, even still to this day! I thank God daily for the never-ending love and mercy He has shown me!
In May, I experienced the power of God and prayer like never before. I had finally reached my breaking point but did not have the strength to end the relationship on my own. God intervened; I was literally rescued and released from the grasps of the Devil, in the form of an abusive relationship with a Narcissist/Sociopath. God gave me a fresh start and a second chance at life. Once He released me, that is when my real journey began! First, the soul-tie to my ex had to be severed. Second, I had to take an uncomfortable look at myself and realize that if I wanted to stop repeating my past, some serious changes would need to occur. The cause of my poor decisions in men stemmed from the deep-seated childhood wounds (ages 7 - 22) of being told by my peers and strangers that I was ugly, fat, and not worthy. I made the humbling decision to start seeing a therapist to not only heal from the traumatic abuse but to also work on re-building my self-esteem.
During the second half of this year, I was still broken and some days felt all alone. As much as my family and friends tried to empathize with me, no one could truly understand what I had gone through and the grief I was still experiencing, even afterward. Despite all of that, there was a constant reminder that God is always present with us, even in our darkest moments. Sometimes it was direct, other times He would speak to me through other people, sermons, and even memes on Instagram lol. During the Summer, God showed me that if I trust in Him that He would provide for me in ways I didn't even realize I needed. Even though I was not exempt from going through the five stages of grief, God filled my Summer up with so many random/fun adventures and memories that aided in slowly restoring me and kept my mind preoccupied 90% of the time!
From July - December I faced constant temptation, from the Devil, to return to my ex. He tried every method in the book to get me to come back to him. From persistent phone calls, facetime calls, guilt-tripping me, sending messages on Instagram, and invitations to come to his new apartment. My ex wanted me to come over so we could "spend time together and have sex" but just as friends. Glory to God that I never took him up on that offer! Once I stopped responding to him, he had his friends contact me using numbers I did not recognize. They tried their best to convince me that I needed to take him back because we were "so perfect for one another". The Devil will use ANYONE, he just needs a host.
Through it all, God never once left my side! He was near me every step of the way and revealed a new-found strength within myself. He surrounded me with Godly counsel to give love, words of wisdom, and to breathe life back into me. I shed a lot of tears this year but I also experienced so much laughter and love. I am so grateful for EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of this year, the good moments and the uncomfortable moments! There cannot be growth without being uncomfortable; growth and comfort never coexist.
As we get closer to a brand new year, my mind races with anticipation! There are so many things that I would like to accomplish in 2019. In order to move forward and receive every blessing God has in store for me, I must let go of the old. Everything that occurred in 2018 must be left behind. As cliche as it may sound, I am so excited for all that 2019 has to bring. God has literally given me the gift of having a second chance at life, a life full of new adventures, endless possibilities, and so much more! I would be a fool not to take advantage of that beautiful gift.
ISAIAH 43: 18 - 19 (NIV) " Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!"
