The most infamous definition of Insanity , as quoted by the notable Albert Einstein, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Unfortunately you could say that I am right in the midst of insanity. In my previous blogs I have mentioned one guy over and over again, you could call what we had a situationship, the love that almost happened but never did, and the list goes on...To recap and to make an extremely long story that is full of anguish short ,after dealing with his BS for two years I decided to call it quits back in May of last year. I called it quits for many reasons but ultimately I called it quits in the end because I know my worth and I love myself too much to have continued on with his shenanigans.
I mentioned in a blog, I wrote back in November, how he started following my older sister's Instagram page last fall in an attempt to try and see what I was up to. So fast forward to about two weeks ago I finally decided to make an attempt to forgive him. He got in contact with me and he asked if could text me and sent me another request to follow me on Instagram. Against my better judgement I agreed to both. He has text me a few times but already I have noticed that I felt myself reverting back to my old bad habits I had when I had feelings towards him....such as constantly checking my phone to see if he had sent me a text. I'm not ashamed to admit this because I'm human and I know I'm not the only guy or girl who has done this. I don't like him like I did at one point but I would be lying if I said there was not a tiny morsel of feelings left him in my heart.
I quoted Albert Einstein because it has been almost a week now since I have heard from him and while I am okay with that I have proved Mr. Einstein's definition to be true...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Part of the reason why I had ended things with him initially was because constantly it was the same tired cycle over and over again with him and how he treated me. I kept allowing him to treat me a certain way with the hopes that things would eventually be different. Just from his actions so far last week it has shown that nothing different is going to come out of this.
I have also realized immediately how I am falling back into a weird funk, the same weird funk I had last year before walking away, by allowing him back in my life again. I was so happy after I cut him off last year and now that he is back I feel like I lost some of that. In some weird way I feel like I gave him power. I know I ultimately have the power of my emotions and how things will happen this time around. I have no intentions of dating him ever again, sleeping with him, or anything else on that level. If he really truly wants to be my friend again he needs to earn my trust back and admit to what he did but I surely won't waste my time sitting around waiting for that to happen.
At first I honestly thought maybe him coming back was a sign from God (and NO i am not talking about a sign that we were meant to be...c'mon i'm smarter than that lol) that I should forgive him and try to be friends again. In retrospect I realize just how silly that sounds. Ironically enough I came across a blog today that hit the nail right on the head "When God is pulling us away from something and we know without a doubt that He is, we need to leave it alone and not look back. Keep moving forward"!
