You Don't Know the Story Like Me - One Year Later

Today marks exactly one year since God released me from a dark and almost deadly situation disguised as a relationship. Last year, I mustered up the courage to share my blog about the three-year abusive relationship I had just gotten out of. I had finally found my voice and hoped that my story could potentially help save someone who also found themselves in a similar situation. Deciding to share my story publicly was not an easy one, but it helped hold me accountable! Had I not shared my story with my family, friends, and the public….I am 100% certain that I would have gone back to that abusive relationship, just as I had done so many times before.

Nothing could have prepared me for the healing journey I was about to embark on. The journey of my healing created an interesting paradox; I was so desperate to move forward with my life and yet, I refused to let go of what was now a part of my past. I tortured myself, daily, by replaying every single hurtful word and moment out of fear…. fear that if I ever stopped replaying them, I would soon forget everything that had happened. In my mind, “forgetting” would mean that it never even happened and the thought of that paralyzed me. 

“God wants us transformed, but Satan wants us paralyzed” – Lysa Terkeurst

During my healing journey, I had asked God to show the areas in my life that He needed me to work on going forward. God provided me with a precise list starting with my lack of self-esteem/self-worth, it was humbling to say the very least. It is easy to point the finger at someone else, but it takes so much more effort to point a finger back at yourself. Although I was not responsible for my ex’s abusive and cheating ways, I WAS responsible for making the choice to continue to tolerate everything. God always gives us the freedom of choice; He will give subtle hints on why we shouldn’t make certain choices, but we still have a choice.

Every day I had to make the conscious decision to choose forgiveness, even now. Full disclosure? There are days I still struggle with this. There were countless times I scoffed at the thought of forgiving my ex. I remember the bold conversations I had with God; I literally told God that I WILL NEVER forgive. God continued to press into my heart to choose forgiveness and of course each time I pouted like a toddler. The phrase “forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for you” was a bitter pill I had to swallow, especially once I realized how true that phrase was. 

There were many days/nights I silently sobbed as the pain of heartbreak, betrayal, and anger consumed me to the point of feeling like my body was imploding. I even contemplated going back him  — trading one pain for another. It seemed so easy to run right back to that relationship and tolerate the familiar pain of being cheated on and abused instead of dealing with the painful process of letting go and the unknowns that moving forward would bring, especially because he and some of his friend reached out often to convince me to give him another chance. One of his friends even said, “My wife and I already knew that he was abusing you, but you really should give him another chance. He is a great guy and you two were perfect for each other”.

I had no clue how to navigate mourning the loss of an abusive relationship or just how tough it would be to undo the trauma bonding that had taken place for the past three years. Healing from an abusive relationship cannot be compared with healing from a "normal" break-up...it is far from normal. My grief was an oxymoron because it was sweet sorrow; I was relieved to be out of the relationship and yet I was deeply grieving the fact that it was over. How could I possibly be upset that I was no longer involved with someone who had tried to take my life? 

Healing is not linear. There were days where it seemed like I was making progress with my healing, only to soon be followed by moments/days of immense sadness. Despite the rollercoaster of emotions, this past year has been so fulfilling! The true happiness I feel now, even while being single, cannot be put into words. I have used this past year to heal and rebuild my life through self-development and by diving deeper into my relationship with God.  I went to therapy for 7 months and have focused on my spiritual, mental, and physical health.

When I look back and reflect, as painful as that experience was, I now understand how necessary it was in order to grow. The frame of tragedy holds the portrait of faith and grace. Every single day has been a faith walk, trusting God even when I do not understand where He is taking me. The metamorphosis of my life that has occurred would not have been possible without God or without the help of my family, friends, and everyone else that has played a major part in helping me heal. From the bottom of my heart, I am extending a huge thank you to each and every one of you! 

Although my visible scars have now healed and slowly faded, my internal wounds are still healing day by day. I may not have acquired a new relationship, house, job, etc to prove that I have moved on or "leveled-up", but God has me working on something that cannot be seen externally. God has turned my bitter water into sweet victory. This journey of healing is far from over, but I am no longer afraid of it. God has given me a rare second chance at life and while I may not know what my future holds, I know whose hands hold my future! 

Photo Cred: My Sister

Looking Back At 2018: My Year In Review

2018 was one hell of a ride, one that I did not predict! I know we cannot predict our future, however, at the beginning of this year, I was sure of one thing....I would end this year as a single woman. A true testament to always listen to your gut instincts, they are usually spot on!

Everything that has occurred in my life the past few years has stretched me and forced me to grow in ways I could not even fathom. This year I had my heart shattered into a million pieces after experiencing the deepest level of betrayal and heartbreak from an abusive relationship. If you had asked me 7 months ago if I was grateful it all happened, my answer would have been a hard and quick NO. After a perspective change, now I can confidently say that I am so grateful it happened! That horrible life-changing experience would end up being the catalyst to my journey of self-discovery and new-found strength.

"I look back now, I look at how you tried to break me.

To take my life, my peace of mind and drive me crazy.

My self-esteem, my dreams, my destiny,

God allowed it because He knew He had big plans for me."

Kirk Franklin - Declaration (This Is It) Lyrics

GENESIS 50:20 (NLT) "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good."

That scripture has given me so much comfort throughout this year! God gives us freedom of choice. I take full responsibility for choosing to enter and stay in that abusive relationship, despite all the warning signs from God early on and throughout. "When God gives you instructions, it's better to obey immediately than to allow yourself time to rationalize against them!" - Ashley "Empowers" Brown.

This year I realized how important it is to obey God's instructions! Although God gives us the freedom to choose, He will never allow us to go through something if He does not think we are able to handle it; God has to sign off on what we go through FIRST! If He approved it, just know there is a great purpose for it!

Looking back, I now see how broken I was. When I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the woman staring back at me. During the first half of this year, I suffered greatly but in silence. I would cry out for help by dropping subliminal hints to my family, friends, and coworkers but no one was aware of what I was experiencing behind closed doors. I spent even more time talking to God, pleading with Him, and crying out to Him. So it was no surprise when He started answering me in ways that blew my mind, even still to this day! I thank God daily for the never-ending love and mercy He has shown me!

In May, I experienced the power of God and prayer like never before. I had finally reached my breaking point but did not have the strength to end the relationship on my own. God intervened; I was literally rescued and released from the grasps of the Devil, in the form of an abusive relationship with a Narcissist/Sociopath. God gave me a fresh start and a second chance at life. Once He released me, that is when my real journey began! First, the soul-tie to my ex had to be severed. Second, I had to take an uncomfortable look at myself and realize that if I wanted to stop repeating my past, some serious changes would need to occur. The cause of my poor decisions in men stemmed from the deep-seated childhood wounds (ages 7 - 22)  of being told by my peers and strangers that I was ugly, fat, and not worthy. I made the humbling decision to start seeing a therapist to not only heal from the traumatic abuse but to also work on re-building my self-esteem.

During the second half of this year, I was still broken and some days felt all alone. As much as my family and friends tried to empathize with me, no one could truly understand what I had gone through and the grief I was still experiencing, even afterward. Despite all of that, there was a constant reminder that God is always present with us, even in our darkest moments. Sometimes it was direct, other times He would speak to me through other people, sermons, and even memes on Instagram lol. During the Summer, God showed me that if I trust in Him that He would provide for me in ways I didn't even realize I needed. Even though I was not exempt from going through the five stages of grief, God filled my Summer up with so many random/fun adventures and memories that aided in slowly restoring me and kept my mind preoccupied 90% of the time!

From July - December I faced constant temptation, from the Devil, to return to my ex. He tried every method in the book to get me to come back to him. From persistent phone calls, facetime calls, guilt-tripping me, sending messages on Instagram, and invitations to come to his new apartment. My ex wanted me to come over so we could "spend time together and have sex" but just as friends. Glory to God that I never took him up on that offer! Once I stopped responding to him, he had his friends contact me using numbers I did not recognize. They tried their best to convince me that I needed to take him back because we were "so perfect for one another". The Devil will use ANYONE, he just needs a host.

Through it all, God never once left my side! He was near me every step of the way and revealed a new-found strength within myself. He surrounded me with Godly counsel to give love, words of wisdom, and to breathe life back into me. I shed a lot of tears this year but I also experienced so much laughter and love. I am so grateful for EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of this year, the good moments and the uncomfortable moments! There cannot be growth without being uncomfortable; growth and comfort never coexist.

As we get closer to a brand new year, my mind races with anticipation! There are so many things that I would like to accomplish in 2019. In order to move forward and receive every blessing God has in store for me, I must let go of the old. Everything that occurred in 2018 must be left behind. As cliche as it may sound, I am so excited for all that 2019 has to bring. God has literally given me the gift of having a second chance at life, a life full of new adventures, endless possibilities, and so much more! I would be a fool not to take advantage of that beautiful gift.

ISAIAH 43: 18 - 19 (NIV) " Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!"

Will You Listen When He Speaks?

I was conflicted whether or not this was a story worth telling...I mean who would REALLY believe me? Who would believe that my ex was abusive when he was known for being the life of the party and very outgoing? Who would believe that he had such a dark side? Who would CHOOSE to stay in a relationship for 3 years where they are being disrespected, cheated on, and abused: physically, psychologically, and verbally? That is a question I am still trying to find a legitimate answer to. I still find myself questioning if any of this really even happened...was it all just a figment of my imagination? God tried to get my attention many times throughout my relationship but I kept ignoring Him until the very end.

I never thought I would end up with someone who is abusive; I am 27, college-educated, no children, come from a very loving family and two-parent Christian household. My parents beautifully displayed what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. They have been married for 30 years. My father has always modeled what a great husband, father, and head of the household should look like. Despite my background and the many positive examples in my life, abuse does not discriminate. It can affect anyone, regardless of who they are or where they come from. No one expects to be in a relationship where they are being abused...that is not a situation you willingly look to be in. 

The emotions you experience and the feelings you have towards your abuser during an abusive relationship is difficult to put into words. It is actually a roller coaster of emotions, full of highs and lows. I was deeply in love and cared for him even though he was hurting me and breaking me down. I knew better than to stay but, my feet felt like they were cemented to the floor. It was difficult to leave because he wasn't abusive towards me all the time. There would be fun and beautiful moments when he was so sweet, genuine, and thoughtful towards me. I nicknamed him Sour Patch, like the candy (first they’re sweet, then they’re sour). Little did I know that good behavior was an effort to keep me coming back and it worked. I ALWAYS came running back to him. After a short period of time, he would revert back to his old ways; it was a never-ending cycle. He knew that I wouldn’t leave on my own. He would even say, “you are not going anywhere, you will always be mine”.

There were many red flags throughout our relationship, right from the very beginning:

He was from the streets of DC and grew up in a dysfunctional family where being abused was normal. He watched his mom and sister get abused by men. His own father had abused him as a child. He already had two kids from a previous relationship, lied to me about his age (initially he said he was 4 years older but he was actually 5 years older), 3 months into our relationship his THIRD child, a daughter, was born by another female (yep that's a total of 3 children and 2 baby mamas), and he refused to take an STD test but still wanted to sleep with me unprotected.

His OWN mother and grandmother had warned me that I was too good for him and should not continue a relationship with him. The mother of his two oldest children also warned me that it would only be a matter of time before he abused me and cheated on me just like he had done while he was with her. He would drink excessive amounts of alcohol on a daily basis. I began to notice he had a bad temper, especially when he had a lot to drink. Although initially his anger was not directed towards me, it was a little alarming to see him go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds....all of those flags popped up within the first 6 months of our relationship.

It was not until our relationship reached the 1-year mark where the abuse finally started to show up. The first time was a verbal attack, in public. He got in my face yelling and cursing because I had suggested that he should stop drinking, for the night, following an altercation with a random stranger. The second time was when he put his hands on me exactly two weeks after our 1 year anniversary. We had been drinking and hanging out with his friends to celebrate a birthday. He got into a verbal altercation with the sister of one of his friends. Unbeknownst to me, she had apparently made rude comments about me to him. They were on the verge of fist fighting one another. When I ran over to stop their fight, he started yelling in my face because I did not have HIS back. I left the party early and hoped that would be the end of the argument. Things drastically took a turn for the worse once he returned to his house following the party. He was extremely intoxicated and continued the argument that I did not have his back when he tried to "defend" me. 

As I was sitting on his bed, he stood close to my face yelling and pointing his finger; he would not listen when I asked him to back up several times. I lightly shoved him in an effort to get him to back up. He swung at me and punched me in my jaw. We went back and forth hitting each other. He broke his closet door by punching out the entire top panel and threw things around his bedroom. Against my better judgement, I stayed at his place that night because my house was 40 minutes away and it was after midnight [We never lived together but I would stay over every weekend]. The next day he was very apologetic and promised he would never do that again. I believed him.

Unfortunately, a few more physical altercations followed that. I wish I could recall each incident separately; most of them are remembered as one big clump. Even though I do have trouble separating each incident there are reminders that they happened: dated journal entries that captured many of our arguments and the abuse I endured, a scar on my right hand and right pinky finger, my dried blood splattered over one of my spiral notebooks, broken necklaces, and nail polish. After one of our fights, he was so angry that he started to pack up my belongings. There was an opened bottle of my blue nail polish on his dresser (I had been painting my toenails prior to our fight) and he threw the bottle into the bag with my stuff. To this day, some of my belongings have my blue nail polish splattered all over them and it literally paints a picture of what had occurred.

Out of all of our physical altercations, there was only one time I thought I was going to die. We had gotten into yet another argument. I was laying on his bed as he was standing over me with his hands wrapped around my throat. The look of rage he had on his face, as he was strangling me with his bare hands, will forever be engraved in my memory. Panic set in as his grip became tighter and tighter around my throat; I could not breathe and could feel myself slipping away. I was digging my nails into his face and bare chest in an effort to get him to stop....that only made him angrier. There was a plate and fork on his bed leftover from my dinner. I remember struggling to feel around on the bed for the fork. Once my hand finally came in contact with it, I jammed it into his shoulder. The fork bent and only broke his skin but it was enough to make him release his grip from my neck. Foolishly, I still stayed at his house that night and began to sob when I saw the bleeding fingernail marks on his face/chest and the fork mark on his shoulder. I began apologizing to HIM because I had physically hurt him at that moment... I was so blind and deep in the abuse that I didn't even process the fact that he almost killed me. For almost a week, I had painful fingermark bruises around my neck which I strategically covered up using my hair and make-up. Even though he would constantly say that I never had his back I really did...I was constantly covering up for him, wearing a mask on my face to show that our relationship was "perfect" all in an effort to protect him. Little did I know, my friends and family could see through that mask and slowly began to detect something was not right. 

The physical abuse did eventually stop but the verbal and psychological abuse continued. "Do as I say"; "Keep your mouth shut when we hang out with our friends"; "Listen to what I tell you to do" were some of the demands he would give. It got to the point where I was afraid to say anything other than "Hi" whenever we would hang out with friends or even my family. Anything that came out of my mouth could be used against me in an argument. If I did not listen to him or if he felt betrayed, he would resort to giving me the silent treatment as punishment. That silent treatment included slow responses to my text messages, ignoring my phone calls, turning off his phone altogether, or ignoring me if we were in the same room together. Being ignored, especially in person, made me feel invisible. Being told over and over that you are selfish, wrong, too sensitive, and not doing enough for the relationship begins to stick in your mind. It is like hearing the same song on the radio frequently, even if you do not like the song the words are stuck in your head and eventually you find yourself singing along. 

The verbal abuse would sometimes happen in public. Stares and looks of concern would be plastered on the faces of strangers as I just looked away and at the ground in embarrassment. The sad part is that one of his friends, "M", saw the abuse a number of times but would still question me whenever I said I was hesitant to get married to my ex or even move in with him. That only added the psychological confusion I felt. One night we went out with "M" and his wife for food. My ex had a lot to drink at the bar and ended up falling asleep in the back seat of my car. When we arrived back to their house, we tried to wake him up but he mumbled for us to leave him alone. "M" said to just leave him in the car and that he would eventually wake up. It was very cold out that night and although I was hesitant to leave him, I agreed. Only 15-20 minutes had passed before my ex came flying into their house. He slammed open their front door and barreled towards me as I was sitting at their dining room table. "Fuck you bitch! You left me in the cold. I could have died! I will fucking beat the shit out you for leaving me like that". He was screaming that in my face as he repeatedly shoved me off of the high-rise dining room chair I was sitting in. I pleaded with him that we had tried to wake him up but he did not care. He felt "abandoned" and directed all of his anger towards me. 

If he was unable to place the blame on someone else then the blame was put on me, even for things that had nothing to do with me. It was MY fault he would go months without clean clothes because his house did not have a washer and dryer and my parent's house did. It was MY fault that he kept getting scammed out of money from illegally purchasing cars because if I just let him use my car all the time, then he wouldn't of had to rush and buy his own. It was MY fault he did not get to see his kids because I wanted to go out on dates with him. I always encouraged him to see his kids FIRST and spend time with them, however, he always had excuses lined up why he did not feel like spending time with them. It was MY fault that he was still living at home with his mother because I hadn't saved up enough money for us to move into an apartment together. 

Bringing up how he made me feel was not an option. It would turn into an argument EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. We were not allowed to discuss things that he did not want to talk about and if I did he would yell and talk over me until I finally gave up or he would end the conversation by leaving the room/hanging up the phone on me. He had a list of expectations that he required me to execute as his girlfriend. He expected me to spend most of my money on gifts and food for him, even though he made almost $25,000 more than I did. If I didn't spend a certain amount of money on him, it was unacceptable. I was expected to help pay and take care of his daughter every other weekend when she would visit. Whenever she would come over, I was the only one spending time with her. I would bathe her, dress her, play with her, and come up with activities for us to do. He would leave her with me to "babysit" while he went out with his friends to drink. Whenever I told him that I did not appreciate that, he would take offense and tell me that I should actually be doing more to help him take care of her.

During the last 8 months of our relationship, he began to cheat on and off. He would accuse me of cheating when all along it was actually him doing dirt behind my back. The first time I had caught him texting/calling another female I was absolutely distraught. When I questioned him about it, he denied it and put the blame back on me. He would later apologize and promised that he would not do it again. That behavior of going behind my back texting, calling, and even planning to meet up for sex with SEVERAL different females continued all the way up until he broke up with me in May of this year. He maintains that he never actually slept with anyone but even if that was true, the intent was there. He told me that the reason he pursued other females was because "You are lacking in shit dummy. Stupid ass" (those were his exact words). I knew I needed to break up with him but I did not have the courage to do it. I reached out to an old coworker, who I consider as my second dad, for spiritual guidance and spoke on the phone with him and his wife. They prayed with me and asked God to help me close that door or to close it for me if I could not do it on my own. An hour later my ex called and broke up with me. His reason for doing so was that I was a selfish person and that I was the reason he never got to spend time with his three children.

As a Christian, it is funny because many times I asked God to send me signs and He did. They could have been Las Vegas signs because they were that bold and bright; I still continued to do things my way instead of listening to Him (God). I foolishly labeled that relationship as God-given when it was not. My disobedience caused me to stay in a relationship that God never intended for me to be in. God used people in my life to try to reach me and I avoided them like the plague. The more I kept ignoring the signs, the louder His voice became. On separate occasions, two coworkers randomly told me that he and I were unequally yoked without even meeting him or knowing our situation. One day, my boss came into my office and said, "I know you are in love but you are so young. If you are not being treated right, do not stay in a relationship out of fear that you will not find someone better, otherwise you will be suffering in silence". Since last year, whenever I was alone I would hear God say, "This is not my best for you". I tried to bargain with God and convince Him that I needed to stay in that relationship to help my ex. I thought that it was my job to show him unconditional love and to "fix" him. I had brought him to my church, he made the decision to become a member of my church and even got baptized! He was so used to being abandoned by everyone in his life and I thought that I could show him what it felt like to finally have someone stay.

There are always three sides to a story: yours, theirs, and the truth. I wanted to tell MY truth. This blog was not for sympathy and I understand that anyone reading this will have their opinions, both good and bad. Although I was being abused, I never once thought of myself as someone who was being abused or a victim; I don't want to be looked at as a victim. I am a SURVIVOR. My story could have had a different outcome, I could be dead or bearing his fourth child. Even with my disobedience God still watched over me, protected me, and finally removed me from such a dark situation. I realize where I went wrong in that relationship...by staying and constantly running back to him, his behavior was silently being enabled. My actions showed him that it was okay to treat me the way that he did. My low self-esteem, that I thought I had overcome prior to the relationship, was still very present. That low self-esteem, low self-worth, and fear of the unknown caused me to think that relationship was really God's best for me when it was nowhere near close. Will you listen to the words he says to break you down and convinces you that his abuse is out of love? or will you listen when He (God) speaks to you and tells you that this is not His will for your life?

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

I follow several fitness Instagram accounts to get food and workout ideas and to sometimes get inspired. This morning when I was checking Instagram a post came up in my timeline about National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I had never even heard of this before this morning but I immediately became inspired by that post to write a blog, bear with me it might be lengthy, about my own personal journey with weight, weight loss, self-love, and self-acceptance. 

I am blessed enough that I never have actually experienced having an eating disorder or going to a treatment facility. When I say blessed I'm not saying that anyone that does suffer from an eating disorder is below me...I am just simply saying that for me personally it never got to that point. Even though I may not have had an eating disorder my mentality was borderline close. My entire life starting from elementary school all the way through college I have struggled with my weight. Growing up I would get teased by classmates for being “chubby”, “fat”, or “overweight”. I was always self-conscious and insecure about the way I looked based off of what everyone else told me I looked like. I eventually started believing what everyone was saying. I did not love myself one bit and had the lowest self-esteem. I hated what I saw every time I looked in the mirror. Still to this day it is hard for me to look in the mirror at myself if someone else in the room with me…even the public bathroom.

Since I was a little girl my weight would go up and it would go down. I am not a very tall person. I have a small frame, I am only 4’11 ½, so any weight that I would put on was drastic and anytime I lost weight it was noticeable. I was at my heaviest weight by the time I graduated from college. I was so unhappy with the skin I was in that I was miserable no matter how hard I would try to mask it. I hated shopping for clothes because I felt that nothing looked good on me. I was not that educated on losing weight the healthy way. I would go to the gym or go run outside in almost 90 degree weather until I literally would almost collapse. If I ate too much I would immediately do a lot of squats or sit-ups. Every time my stomach would growl I would think of it as a bad thing because I thought the last thing I needed to be was hungry if I was trying to lose weight. I was so desperate that I even started taking weight loss pills for a couple of months, prescribed by a doctor, because I felt like there was nothing else I could do. Sure I lost a little weight but my mentality towards weight loss and myself was nowhere near healthy. I had no idea that I was screwing up my metabolism too. My doctor had told me that I was only supposed to eat 1200 calories a day so that’s what I did because I thought if the doctor is saying this then I should follow what I was being told.

Today I no longer go to that doctor or take those pills that she prescribed me because I was doing more harm to my body than good. One of my favorite Instagram accounts is @Malzisfit. She is 23 and has struggled with weight all her life too. She has lost over 100 lbs through changing her lifestyle, eating healthy, and lifting weights. She actually has been helping me with my own journey. She has been guiding me and coaching me with IIFYM since January and has slowly helped me build my metabolism back up and repair the damage I did. I would be lying if I said I still don’t have my days where I look in the mirror and hate what I see or when I feel guilty for eating an extra cookie. This is a marathon not sprint. I will always have to work harder than most to lose weight and to keep it off because I was not blessed with a body where I can eat junk all the time and not gain weight. I have learned that is okay though, I cannot be focused on what everyone else is doing because everyone has their own journey and their own struggles. What works for one person wont work for another so if you are the person that can eat 1200 calories or if you needed a Gastric Bypass to help you lose weight well then do you boo boo “you go Glen Coco” (sorry Mean Girl movie quote hahah).

Even though I weigh more now than I did in high school I am stronger and smaller than I was because I am losing weight the correct way by making healthy choices while still allowing myself a treat every now and then…because hey you gotta treat yourself sometimes. I get so frustrated when someone says that I am on a “health kick”…you don’t know my journey or my story. I have always enjoyed working out but I would never lose weight because I would make wrong food choices. I also get frustrated when someone says I am on a diet or that I probably just eat rabbit food. I LOVE food…hello that’s what got me in trouble the first time lol. I still eat pizza, burgers, fries etc.. I just don’t eat it in excess. 80% of the food I eat is super healthy and then the other 20% percent is whatever the hell I want to eat.

This time around I am properly educated on weight loss. I actually enjoy shopping for clothes now and I have learned to love myself even on the days when I feel gross and disgusting. I still am not where I want to be just yet but I am working towards my goal and I can be proud of myself because I know I have come a long way mentally and physically. Love yourself <3

Insanity

The most infamous definition of Insanity , as quoted by the notable Albert Einstein, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Unfortunately you could say that I am right in the midst of insanity. In my previous blogs I have mentioned one guy over and over again, you could call what we had a situationship, the love that almost happened but never did, and the list goes on...To recap and to make an extremely long story that is full of anguish short ,after dealing with his BS for two years I decided to call it quits back in May of last year. I called it quits for many reasons but ultimately I called it quits in the end because I know my worth and I love myself too much to have continued on with his shenanigans.

I mentioned in a blog, I wrote back in November, how he started following my older sister's Instagram page last fall in an attempt to try and see what I was up to. So fast forward to about two weeks ago I finally decided to make an attempt to forgive him. He got in contact with me and he asked if could text me and sent me another request to follow me on Instagram. Against my better judgement I agreed to both. He has text me a few times but already I have noticed that I felt myself reverting back to my old bad habits I had when I had feelings towards him....such as constantly checking my phone to see if he had sent me a text. I'm not ashamed to admit this because I'm human and I know I'm not the only guy or girl who has done this. I don't like him like I did at one point but I would be lying if I said there was not a tiny morsel of feelings left him in my heart.

I quoted Albert Einstein because it has been almost a week now since I have heard from him and while I am okay with that I have proved Mr. Einstein's definition to be true...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Part of the reason why I had ended things with him initially was because constantly it was the same tired cycle over and over again with him and how he treated me. I kept allowing him to treat me a certain way with the hopes that things would eventually be different. Just from his actions so far last week it has shown that nothing different is going to come out of this.

I have also realized immediately how I am falling back into a weird funk, the same weird funk I had last year before walking away, by allowing him back in my life again. I was so happy after I cut him off last year and now that he is back I feel like I lost some of that. In some weird way I feel like I gave him power. I know I ultimately have the power of my emotions and how things will happen this time around. I have no intentions of  dating him ever again, sleeping with him, or anything else on that level. If he really truly wants to be my friend again he needs to earn my trust back and admit to what he did but I surely won't waste my time sitting around waiting for that to happen.

At first I honestly thought maybe him coming back was a sign from God (and NO i am not talking about a sign that we were meant to be...c'mon i'm smarter than that lol) that I should forgive him and try to be friends again. In retrospect I realize just how silly that sounds. Ironically enough I came across a blog today that hit the nail right on the head "When God is pulling us away from something and we know without a doubt that He is, we need to leave it alone and not look back. Keep moving forward"!

Blessings Pouring Down

When life throws you curve balls instead of freaking out sometimes you just have to go with it. Last week on Friday when I was leaving work as I was backing out I noticed that my car started running a little funny. Deep down I knew that my car was getting ready to cut off on me because I had experienced it already two times this year. But I kept convincing myself that my car would be fine to make the drive home from work. My car allowed me to drive about 5ft before my entire completely shut off. Luckily I was still on campus and not driving on the highway otherwise that would have made for one serious accident. 

The irony in this situation is my parents had been bugging me for weeks to get a new car. I started my new job working at the University of Maryland back in November and the commute from my house is about 45 min. My car was a 97' Mazda and it had been through a lot of the years. Even though my parents grew more weary with each passing day I tried my best to convince them that I was fine and that I did not need a new car just yet. My reason behind that was that I already had a few bills to take care of and I simply did not want to add another expense on my plate if it was not absolutely necessary. Hindsight is 20/20 because I guess it was necessary that I needed a new car even if I did not want to admit it. The decision for me to get a new car had been made for me on Friday after my car broke down, my parents had enough with my old car and they put their foot down and told me I was going car shopping the next day.

Saturday morning both me and my parents spent practically the entire day at the dealership looking for a good deal and most importantly a good car to get me to and from work. God was working it out on my behalf because after a little bit of negotiating and having a cars salesman that had the hots for me I was able to walk away with a brand new 2015 Nissan.

As I have said before God has a funny way of working sometimes. The entire time I was avoiding getting a new car because I was worried and did not know if I could handle the payments and being an "adult". Sure I have a new job that pays a lot more than my old job but I just didn't know if I was truly ready for this but God will never give you more than you can handle. Everyday I wake up I am reminded just how blessed I am and how God is always watching over me. My old car broke down on a Friday which was perfect timing because it was the weekend but had my car broke down earlier in the week I would have been screwed. Also not to mention the location of where my car broke down was in a way perfect as well because if my car had completely stalled on the highway I would have ended up in the hospital or dead. 

I am beyond grateful for my job at the University of Maryland, my new car, God's grace and favor over my life, and having wonderful parents that always guide me in the right direction because without their guidance I would be lost at times.

A weekend filled with love

Over the weekend I had a nice and much needed mini vacation. Friday morning I traveled from DC to Boston to be reunited with my best friend, Jaz, for a baby shower her family was throwing for her. ~A little back story her family was originally from Boston and then they moved to Maryland when Jaz was in elementary school. They moved back to Boston about three years ago and now Jaz lives in Chicago with her fiance Malcolm. ~ The last time I saw Jaz was in January for New Years Eve but I hadn't seen her family since we were in high school. Her family was literally like my second family because we have mirror imaged families. Both of our dads work at night, we both have parents who have been married for over 20 years, her older sister is the same age as my sister (they graduated high school together), me and my best friend are the same age, our younger brothers are the same age, and she and her siblings are older than me and my siblings by only a few months. At first I was worried that I was not going to be able to go because I had a few bills to take care of right around the time I needed to purchase my plane ticket and I honestly wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it but the day before I purchased my ticket my mom called me excited telling me that a leftover dentist bill from my wisdom teeth surgery ended up being covered by our insurance after all....man if that wasn't God's perfect timing then I don't know what is, long story short I ended up being able to use the money I planned on using to pay that dentist bill for my plane ticket. GOD IS GOOD!

The entire weekend we were in Boston I had such a great time with my Jaz, Malcolm, and her family. The baby shower they threw for her was so amazing and filled with love. This is their first child and already he is so blessed by the amount of things everyone has given them it was so amazing to be apart of it. I helped Jaz's mom with the baby shower games and the night before Jaz and I put together the party favor (we are both big art nerds, we love anything that has to do with art or being creative). I loved finally being able to meet the rest of her family that I have always seen pictures of or heard stories of. I am really excited because in August I will be flying to Chicago once Jaz has Xavier and help out her and Malcolm for a week. The friendship and bond that Jaz and I have is indescribable, I love that girl so much and even though we went from being able to see each other everyday growing up to know only being able to see each other a few times a year I am still so grateful to have her as my best friend, she really is my other half. Our friendship was never broken even after being separated by states. I would have loved to been able to stay out in Boston for an extra day but we all had to fly back home yesterday. Our weekend together was short but it was definitely so sweet.