You Don't Know the Story Like Me - One Year Later

Today marks exactly one year since God released me from a dark and almost deadly situation disguised as a relationship. Last year, I mustered up the courage to share my blog about the three-year abusive relationship I had just gotten out of. I had finally found my voice and hoped that my story could potentially help save someone who also found themselves in a similar situation. Deciding to share my story publicly was not an easy one, but it helped hold me accountable! Had I not shared my story with my family, friends, and the public….I am 100% certain that I would have gone back to that abusive relationship, just as I had done so many times before.

Nothing could have prepared me for the healing journey I was about to embark on. The journey of my healing created an interesting paradox; I was so desperate to move forward with my life and yet, I refused to let go of what was now a part of my past. I tortured myself, daily, by replaying every single hurtful word and moment out of fear…. fear that if I ever stopped replaying them, I would soon forget everything that had happened. In my mind, “forgetting” would mean that it never even happened and the thought of that paralyzed me. 

“God wants us transformed, but Satan wants us paralyzed” – Lysa Terkeurst

During my healing journey, I had asked God to show the areas in my life that He needed me to work on going forward. God provided me with a precise list starting with my lack of self-esteem/self-worth, it was humbling to say the very least. It is easy to point the finger at someone else, but it takes so much more effort to point a finger back at yourself. Although I was not responsible for my ex’s abusive and cheating ways, I WAS responsible for making the choice to continue to tolerate everything. God always gives us the freedom of choice; He will give subtle hints on why we shouldn’t make certain choices, but we still have a choice.

Every day I had to make the conscious decision to choose forgiveness, even now. Full disclosure? There are days I still struggle with this. There were countless times I scoffed at the thought of forgiving my ex. I remember the bold conversations I had with God; I literally told God that I WILL NEVER forgive. God continued to press into my heart to choose forgiveness and of course each time I pouted like a toddler. The phrase “forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for you” was a bitter pill I had to swallow, especially once I realized how true that phrase was. 

There were many days/nights I silently sobbed as the pain of heartbreak, betrayal, and anger consumed me to the point of feeling like my body was imploding. I even contemplated going back him  — trading one pain for another. It seemed so easy to run right back to that relationship and tolerate the familiar pain of being cheated on and abused instead of dealing with the painful process of letting go and the unknowns that moving forward would bring, especially because he and some of his friend reached out often to convince me to give him another chance. One of his friends even said, “My wife and I already knew that he was abusing you, but you really should give him another chance. He is a great guy and you two were perfect for each other”.

I had no clue how to navigate mourning the loss of an abusive relationship or just how tough it would be to undo the trauma bonding that had taken place for the past three years. Healing from an abusive relationship cannot be compared with healing from a "normal" break-up...it is far from normal. My grief was an oxymoron because it was sweet sorrow; I was relieved to be out of the relationship and yet I was deeply grieving the fact that it was over. How could I possibly be upset that I was no longer involved with someone who had tried to take my life? 

Healing is not linear. There were days where it seemed like I was making progress with my healing, only to soon be followed by moments/days of immense sadness. Despite the rollercoaster of emotions, this past year has been so fulfilling! The true happiness I feel now, even while being single, cannot be put into words. I have used this past year to heal and rebuild my life through self-development and by diving deeper into my relationship with God.  I went to therapy for 7 months and have focused on my spiritual, mental, and physical health.

When I look back and reflect, as painful as that experience was, I now understand how necessary it was in order to grow. The frame of tragedy holds the portrait of faith and grace. Every single day has been a faith walk, trusting God even when I do not understand where He is taking me. The metamorphosis of my life that has occurred would not have been possible without God or without the help of my family, friends, and everyone else that has played a major part in helping me heal. From the bottom of my heart, I am extending a huge thank you to each and every one of you! 

Although my visible scars have now healed and slowly faded, my internal wounds are still healing day by day. I may not have acquired a new relationship, house, job, etc to prove that I have moved on or "leveled-up", but God has me working on something that cannot be seen externally. God has turned my bitter water into sweet victory. This journey of healing is far from over, but I am no longer afraid of it. God has given me a rare second chance at life and while I may not know what my future holds, I know whose hands hold my future! 

Photo Cred: My Sister